ST. JOHN THE EVANGELIST
BARRYTOWN, NEW YORK

The Rev. Virginia (Ginger) Grab, Curate

A Spiritual Autobiography

Both of my parents were raised in deeply religious families, and, like many of their generation in the 1930s, they rebelled. Their rebellion included a total rejection of religion. They were secular humanists, Marxists, who cared deeply about making the world a better place for all people. Thus I was raised in an environment that valued rational, "scientific" thinking and scorned religion, yet loved humanity and looked forward to a better world of equality and justice.

As a child, I bought into my parents' thinking entirely. I too, longed for a better, more just world, and, as a teenager and an adult, I tried to work towards it, both as an activist for peace and civil rights and as a teacher and a community member. At the same time, I believed in myself as the sole source of my being. I was a complete rationalist, and believed that there was a scientific explanation for everything under the sun. I believed the world was governed either by the laws of nature or by economic laws. I assumed that anything worth knowing I already knew or if not, I could look it up. I thought God and a sense of mystery were just crutches for the weak-minded. This shallow, false perception of reality kept me on the surface of life, alienated not only from my inner self and from other people, but also, and most importantly, from God.

My first inkling that this view of reality might be inadequate, that there might be something beyond my own knowledge and control, something larger than my own ego, occurred over thirty-four years ago when I was in labor with my first child. As my contractions grew in intensity, I felt myself caught up in something much more powerful than anything I had ever experienced; I felt myself to be in the presence of mystery. All I could do was surrender in complete awe to this stunning force, to its great rhythm, as my mind filled with visions of long waves rolling toward shore. I knew myself to be a tiny particle in a huge, living, breathing, pulsating universe.

This was my first step toward knowing and loving God. The second quickly followed. As I held my beautiful little red-headed nursling to my breast, I became aware of another mystery. I, who had not been mothered myself with much warmth, was overwhelmed with love for my baby daughter. Never in my life, had I ever felt such love. Where did it come from? Certainly not from my own experience. As the weeks and months went by and my capacity to feel and give love grew, I came to understand that this love for my child was redemptive, a most wonderful gift from God. This experience continues to inform my understanding of God's love and grace: something that breaks into one's life, that is unexpected, undeserved and brings with it joy and the possibility of transformation through love.

Another important piece of my journey toward God was connected with my work as a teacher. I had taught for five years at a secular school, the Lycee Francais in New York City, when I moved to Northern Dutchess County and began working at Oakwood Friends school. My teaching and my understanding of the life of the spirit were enhanced enormously by my experience with the Quakers. The predominant Quaker value is that there is that of God in every person.

At Oakwood we endeavored to express this belief in all our dealings with students and with one another. As a teacher, this meant that I was to treat each student with respect and consideration, valuing their soul's growth as well as their intellectual development. This approach to teaching fostered in me a humility towards my students and a deepening understanding of and respect for the inner life of the soul. However, the most profound effect of my eighteen years at Oakwood School turned out to be my participation in Quaker worship. In our weekly silent meetings I learned how to pray.

As my inner life deepened and I began to experience a personal relationship with God in my prayer life, a number of things happened. Most importantly, and to me most surprising, I felt the presence of Jesus. Jesus entered my life. As my heart opened to Jesus' love and I began to love him in return, I also began to want to serve in a more profound way. There were other realizations, as well. I began to recognize that, while Quaker silent meeting had been a very important part of my learning how to worship, I was longing for more. I wanted and needed to become part of a worshiping community with a liturgical life. I was friends with the man who was then rector of St. John the The Evangelist in Barrytown where I lived, and I had other friends in that congregation. Over the years I had occasionally attended worship there, so I knew what Episcopal worship was like and felt that this was where I wanted to be. I began to attend worship on a regular basis.

I worried however; given my background, did I really belong in the Episcopal Church? It was at this time that I heard from a distant cousin who was researching our family tree. I am not normally interested in this sort of thing, but I was delighted to discover that an ancestor of mine on my fathers's side is Thomas John Claggett, who was the first bishop to be ordained on American soil. He was ordained the Bishop of Maryland in 1792 by Seabury, White, Provoost and Madison. Thus I was able to reconcile my strong gut feeling that in entering the Episcopal Church I was "coming home" with the facts of my family history.

All these strands came together for me in 1987 when I decided to pursue my now-consuming interest in Christianity by studying full time at seminary. At the time it did not seem a very reasonable thing to do financially or any other way, but I felt truly called to follow this path. In the course of my first year I began to realize where God was leading me. I was baptized a Christian in the spring of 1989. This, of course, was a new beginning for me in my life of faith. It was also a culmination of a process that had begun many years before, one to which I had devoted much thought and prayer.

My ministry as a baptized Christian felt completed when, upon graduation, I assumed the responsibility of being managing editor of a new ecumenical journal for preachers, The Living Pulpit. However, as I became more active in my parish, assuming responsibilities as a lay eucharistic minister, in my prayer life and in discussion with my rector, I began to recognize a vocation to the priesthood. I began to feel God pushing me from within. Working in pastoral ministry was not enough; all around me, in our society, in our secular culture, among my friends and acquaintances, among my students, I could hear that people are longing for food for their spirits.

Our arid secular, materialist culture is starving the people. I believed that I have a gift to offer; I felt called to mediate to them the love of Jesus the Christ. I wanted to bring the people to God, and I wanted to bring God to the people. I felt called to sacramental leadership. I began the process of pursuing Holy Orders. I was ordained a priest in the Diocese of New York in 2000. Since then I have served as a chaplain at Bard College and as a Curate at St. John the The Evangelist in Barrytown.